My road to recovery

I have learned skills to help me maintain my sobriety. I have stopped associating with people who are using or even talk about that life. In the beginning it was difficult to build a new life of sober supports. I had to end relationships with people I called “friends” as well as my marriage. Earlier in my recovery, I kept my circle very small and spent time with people who were clean and sober because I didn’t trust myself to hang out with people who did otherwise – the temptation was too strong. My addiction would play tricks on me and say things like, “You can use just this one time and be fine.” I knew that as an addict, using and being fine was not an option.  So, I continue to work on my recovery every day by surrounding myself with people who lift me up, rather than bring me down.

What have you learned about yourself over the past 5+ years?

The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that I don’t have to use to feel confident. When I first started using, I noticed that it made me feel capable, competent, social, and worthy. Getting clean and sober has taught me that I am a good person who is worth it. It took going through hell, in active addiction, for me to realize that I don’t need to use in order to be loved or liked by myself and others. Today, I look in the mirror and like the person staring back at me. Given what it took to get me to this place, it is a testament to my strength and not a reflection of my weaknesses.

What advice or message do you have for people who are currently struggling with alcohol or substance abuse issues?

The biggest piece of advice I could give would be to not feel ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help.  Don’t be afraid to tell somebody you’re struggling. I know how hard it is to admit it to yourself, let alone someone else. You get sucked into the world of active addiction, like a dust particle being sucked up in a vacuum. You feel like there is no escape, no way out. You are fearful that you have forgotten or don’t know how to live as a “normal” person.  I’m here to tell you that these feelings are all normal and expected. But, I am also here to tell you that, you can do it.  I did it and I never believed it was possible – have hope.   

How do you feel about the person you are today compared to the person you were in active addiction?

I absolutely hated the person I was in active addiction. I was a liar, a thief, a loser. I was a stranger. I was everything I detested most in this world.  I used to carry a lot of shame and guilt when I was living that life. And, when I first got clean, feelings of guilt, shame and disappointment in myself were so intense; it was palpable.  The hardest, yet most important thing I had to do was – forgive myself. Even today, I don’t think I have completely forgiven myself, but I am working on it. Today, I focus on the present and living every day with intention and purpose.